Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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