Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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