she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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