my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
