Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
