Your face is a jimmy john
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize