You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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