dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
