walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
