yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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