All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
