I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
