I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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