How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
