Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
