I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
