When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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