Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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