Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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