Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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