just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
