walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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