i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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