You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
