Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
