Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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