So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
