eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
