I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
