At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
