Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
