Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
