Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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