Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
