I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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