i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
