It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
