I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This is my gift to your gina
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize