So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
