There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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