My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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