i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
