I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
