You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
