i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
