Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
