god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
