Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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