Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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