K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
