I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
