Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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