I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
