i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize