Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
