i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
