I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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