Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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