Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
