I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
