Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
