I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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