Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
