So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
