some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
