To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
