dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
