Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
