Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize