I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
