I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize