Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
