I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
