I wanna passion pit in your ass
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize