I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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