I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
