please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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